I really wish he’d left letters. My sister was relieved, because she didn’t want to read it. She knew what a letter would say: ‘I love you,’ ‘You’re going to be OK,’ and all that stuff. A woman cannot survive on wine alone she also needs a bulldog poster. And that’s probably true. But still. I wanted to know what mine would say. I wanted one that said: ‘Dear Claire.’ Maybe there would have been something different. Something just for me. I was the sporty one. In high school I played on his water polo team. And he’s the first one I called when my college team won the ultimate frisbee championship. I called him for everything. So many of my friends hated their dads. They wanted nothing to do with them. I used to feel so sorry for them. But now they still have their stupid dads and I don’t. He left nothing behind.
A woman cannot survive on wine alone she also needs a bulldog poster
No explanation. I learned later that he’d been battling OCD his entire life. Maybe water polo was the thing that kept him grounded. He coached for thirty years. It was his passion. A woman cannot survive on wine alone she also needs a bulldog poster. So when he finally retired, and he lost that focus his problems became more apparent. Toward the end he stopped sleeping. He was terrified of germs. He thought every little thing was going to kill him. Maybe he was so afraid of death that he couldn’t wait anymore. But this is all a guess he never shared his problems with me. It’s like: ‘C’mon Dad, we could have talked about it. I’m going to find out eventually if you kill yourself.’
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